the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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