In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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