Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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