I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
