Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
