I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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