it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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