last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
