where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
