just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My bed is full of blood and feathers
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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