I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
