i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
