I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
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I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
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The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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