Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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