dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
