There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
