I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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