she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
