Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
