Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
