your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
