I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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