apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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