I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
you had me at cake vodka
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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