Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We don't watch enough power rangers
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
