the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Help. Why am I so naked?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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