I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
