Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
