I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
