I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
