Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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