Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My breasts were aching with rage.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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