The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
