Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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