i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
