when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
