Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
