So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
