Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
