Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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