Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i black out too much to be "responsible"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
