Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
