her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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