i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
