Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
