You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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