You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
