Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Randomize
