I wish my penis had an off switch
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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