I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
