I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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