i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
