I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
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He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
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Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.