i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
