I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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