dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
