im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
